Dating can be pretty challenging for most people. For those of us who have transitioned, it's not only difficult, but if you're not careful it can be extremely dangerous as well. It's best to have a plan well ahead of time to try to avoid a scary situation. So a while back I worked up a few guidelines for myself.
1. No random hook-ups or one-night stands with people. It always ends with them wanting more, and if they don't know I'm trans, it could be dangerous. This might change post-op, but for now it's best this way.
2. If I'm looking for something potentially long-term with someone, then I won't get physical with someone until after they know, and they're still OK with it.
3. I won't tell someone until the third date, unless they force my hand.
I'm fine with the first rule. Yea, it kinda sucks, but it also keeps me out of trouble in more ways then one (and if I know it's safe I may make an exception ^_^). Regarding the second one, I think it would be way more difficult to get close physically to someone and then come out, then the other way around. Then there's my own version of the Third Date rule, which I would prolly have regardless of whether I'm trans or not. I want someone to get to know me as a person before physical intimacy comes into the picture.
So I've had these rules for a while, but I also haven't really been dating for a while either. Lately, now that I'm getting back to normal after my jaw surgery that's changing a bit. I've been itching to get out and meet new people again. But despite the guidelines I've set up, I've recently realized it isn't quite so clear cut. What about holding hands? Is that going to be OK without disclosure? Cuddling but no kissing? Am I crossing any lines there? What if they go to kiss me on the first date? Do I just say no, or should I say no and tell them why? It's all very confusing.
I'm totally fine with coming out to someone. I'm pretty proud of the fact that I'm trans, and I've gone through some things most people will never experience, and I believe I'm a better person for it. But coming out to someone your dating is just sooooo cliche from begining to end. I mean it starts out with "We need to talk..." or "There's something I have to tell you...' or some other variation of that. Which is usually preceding a break-up or a confession of cheating or something. But then I get to follow it up with yet another cliche - telling them I'm trans. My biggest problem isn't telling someone I'm dating that I'm trans. It's finding a way to do it that doesn't sound so stereotypical. le sigh... And it's even more difficult with the boys. Mostly because my own empathy gets in the way. I mean - I know I'm not trying to trick anybody. But I also know that that's how they might feel about it when I tell them, because that's how society expects your average heterosexual male in that situation to react. And then I begin to feel responsible that they feel like I've tricked them. I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. It's my nature. There's really not much of a society stereotype for a girl in that situation, so I don't' feel the same pressure. I mean, just being bi or lesbian means she's already worked through most of those issues on her own. Dating a bisexual guy is also pretty similar. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's just not as difficult because I feel like I don't' have as much to fear. But a straight guy - coming out in that situation makes me a nervous wreck just cause I don't' know how they'll react. Stupid society.
Complicating matters further is the fact that I'm totally head over heals in love with the idea of being in love. Yet I don't really know what I want right now in regards to a relationship. I'm finally gotten to the point that I feel if the right person where to come along, I could be happily monogamous, and settle down, start a family, etc... But that would take a VERY special kind of person. When it comes to someone I would be monogamous with I have incredibly high standards. But there are people out there that meet those standards (they're just usually unavailable). I'm also pretty keen on the idea of a more open relationship - I tend to lean more toward polyamory then monogamy. The trick here is finding someone who isn't the jealous type. Not impossible, but still pretty difficult. Mostly though, I'm pretty content being single and enjoying the independence. I'm not actively looking for a relationship, but if the right person where to cross my path, I prolly wouldn't say no - but I would definitely have to think about it for quite some time. So I'm pretty much looking for everything and nothing all at the same time.
No comments:
Post a Comment