A Score of Zero

Love. It's complicated. I don't pretend to fully understand what it is. Though from my limited experience I have a pretty good idea what it's not.

I've ever only been in love - true love - once. I wish with all my heart I could say it was with my ex. I loved her - but I was never really, truly in love with her. Not the way I should have been. Not the way it's supposed to be when two people get married. I think it's sad, and sometimes I feel terrible for realizing that about myself. But it's true.

But as I said, I have been truly in love one time. She was my friend. During the course of our friendship I developed a crush. At some point the crush evolved into love. If you were to ask me how I know it was really true love, and not an infatuation I honestly wouldn't be able to explain the difference. I just know. I think it was because I knew she wasn't perfect - but I was OK with that. I have a hard time saying that about most people. I don't let people know, but I can be pretty judgmental at times. Well, most of the time. I guess I'm human this way. Maybe I'm worse. I dunno. It's part of who I am, and even if I wanted to, I couldn't change it. I digress...

She was pretty. Actually, she was more then pretty - she was beautiful. But that's not what I loved about her. I loved her personality. She was sweet and kind, in a ditzy sort of way. Not that she was stupid - far from it. But she was one of those people who somehow stayed innocent, even after innocence was lost. I got to know her. I saw her at her best. I saw her at her worst. I saw her flaws. That was the point where I realized I had fallen in love with her. Even at her worst I still felt she was better then I deserved. I still feel that way, even all these years later.

I took a risk - I told her how I felt. Not directly, but in a round about way. She stopped talking to me soon after that. It broke my heart. I never forgot her. I still think of her often. I know it was never meant to be, and never will. But my memories of her will be with me until the day I die. I still love her. I always will.

After that I decided never to let myself fall in love with a friend. It's too dangerous. Not to say I've never had a crush on a friend since then, cause I'd be lying if I said that. But I know better then to let it become more. Too dangerous. Some things are better left unsaid.

Recently, a friend of mine has become enamored with me. I don't really know why. I'm certainly not worth it. She could, and one day will, do so much better then me. As much as she cares for me, it is not meant to be. I want to tell her, and have tried to tell her this. I'm torn apart. I wish I could tell her what she wants to hear. But I can't.

I don't know what to do. I hate not knowing what to do, or what to say. I've been there - I've gone through it. But now it's all backwards, and I am so confused. She thinks I'm avoiding her. She's right. But it's not for the reasons she thinks. It's because I don't want to hurt her anymore then I already have. More then anything I want to spare her what I have had to learn the hard way. That sometimes dreams are just that - dreams. But friendship is a reality. We were good friends. It'd be a shame to fuck it up. Sometimes I think it's too late. I think perhaps it's my fault. I feel terrible. But what do you say to someone who's heart you just broke? Where do you begin to pick up the pieces? Sigh... Life just isn't fair sometimes.

As if that wasn't bad enough, you wanna know what's really screwed up? All of the confusion and turmoil of the situation has me standing in the same place as the girl I loved. Suddenly I realize how she must have felt when I bared my feelings to her. In some twisted way, despite the fact that I haven't seen her in over a decade, it brings me even closer to her. And all it does is make me love her even more for not loving me back. Sigh...