A Passing Thought

Passing (or blending in, or whatever term we're using these days) has always been a huge concern for a great many trans people. It's definitely something that has been very important to me.

I can now say with a fair amount of confidence that I pass the majority of the time. And at this point, given the amount of effort, money, research, and energy that I've put into it, it would be very heart-breaking if I didn't. But even so, I'm one of the lucky ones.

But the issue of passing is still kind of odd for me. Like, I don't think about it hardly at all anymore - especially since my recent jaw surgery (which was one of the best things I've ever done, btw). But at the same time, nearly every person that I interact with on a day to day basis - co-workers, friends, etc...all know that I'm trans.

So my thought process is usually a paradox when meeting with and befriending new people. I am pretty sure I pass (and in many cases I have absolutely no doubt I do), but at the same time a part of me almost always assumes they know I'm trans - cause everybody else I deal with does. And this thought is mostly subconscious. It's really weird.

For instance, I was recently invited to a pleasure party by the wife of one of my co-workers. (If you're not familiar with the concept of a pleasure party, then it's like a tupperware party - but instead of plastic bowls and cups, the main focus is on dildos and vibrators.) Now - she knows I'm trans. But a bunch of her friends were there, and also some people she had never met, who did not now. So pretty much, she was the only one.

Now, given the nature of a pleasure party, sex was a fairly predominant topic of the evening. And given the target audience of the party - it was an all-female environment. Come to think of it, it was actually the first time since I've transitioned that I've had the opportunity to hang out with a bunch of straight girls (it became apparent at some point in the conversation that I was the only bi girl in our little click). So yea - sex was a popular topic, and when that's the case, usually there is very little shame and very few discussions are too embarrassing to discuss. So somehow, at some point, I found myself sitting through a conversation involving pads vs. tampons. Naturally I remained fairly quiet throughout the discussion (having no real experience in the area). But when one of the women turned to me and asked "So you use tampons, right?" my first thought was - "No, of course not! I couldn't even try to use one if I wanted to cause I'm still pre-op. Oh - wait - you don't know that, do you." But instead of outting myself I simply shook my head no, and didn't go into any explanation why. Fortunately, she got distracted by some other girl asking her whether or not you could feel it while it was inside you (the whole evening was rather educational).

And then it happened again (with the same person even). During the sales pitch they actually pass around the vibrators, so you can get an idea of what you want to buy. Some of the girls would test them out by placing it either on their nipples (on the outside of their clothes - or at least their bras), or by placing it against their crotch (or the crotch of the girl next to them - "Here, you gotta try this one!") So I'm holding one, and then I hear "That one is amazing - try it!", and I realize it's directed at me. Not one to be shy, I placed it against one of my boobs. "Not there! Down here!", as she points to her crotch - signaling that I should be placing the vibrator against my own crotch.

And again, I thought to myself "Why? It won't really do anything for me yet cause....oh yeah! I forgot - you don't know that!" So I placed it betwixt my legs, and pretended that it was, indeed, quite amazing, and then handed it back to her. Sigh...the whole thing is simply complicated.

Though by far the best thing about the night was that I never at one time felt out of place, or that I didn't belong - I was just one of the girls. I just so happened to be the only girl there without a vagina (at least, that I was aware of). But I was still just one of the girls. I had often read about people feeling that way at some point during transition, and was never was able to fully connect with that feeling until just recently. In the past I would constantly be subconsciously comparing myself to the other girls in a group, and feeling that I didn't measure up in some way. But now I've found that I don't do that anymore. I belong. I fit in. I'm one of them. And it's nice :)