So about a week ago I went in for my one year check-up for my nose/upper lip work with Dr. Beck. It popped up in my calendar a couple of days before it was time to go in.
That's when it dawned on me - it's been over a year. I went full-time on June 4th, 2008. I didn't even think about it until at least a week had passed. I forgot my own anniversary!
During the initial stages of transition, I kept records of everything (I mean EVERYTHING!). I knew what days I had came out to whom, when I started hormones, therapy, electro - even what day I got my ears pierced. I cataloged how many laser sessions I did, how many hours of electro I underwent. Every little thing was so new and exciting and seemed so important. It's like I was a pack rat of chronological information. And I always looked forward to the one year mark. I mean, it always seemed like a milestone to me. Plus it marked the end of the 'trial period' before surgery according to the SOC. I can get my letters no problem now when I need to, and it won't be an issue - I meet the criteria.
But a few months ago my outlook started to shift subtly. My thought processes, while still very heavily trans influenced are no longer trans-centric. I no longer measure transition as a checklist or a process like I used to. It's become more amorphous. It's a part of who I am, but it's no longer about what I'm doing. I like to think it's a good change. After all, growth is change and I suppose it's the next step in my growth process - at least mentally.
I was with a group of friends the other night, and we talked about how people who transition roughly at the same time are in the same class together - like in high school. I love the analogy, but I prefer to think it resembles college a bit more then high school - at least for me. See, in high school I was still very sheltered. I had my parents there, and they provided a house for me. I had a job, but no bills. Life was pretty easy - I didn't really know how to fend for myself yet, but mostly because I never really needed to. But then I moved out and went to college and I was pretty much alone for the first time. I had friends there, but I was totally and completely responsible for setting my own direction and managing my own life - I had freedom.
Freshman year is the awkward year. You're new, and you're learning the ropes. You make mistakes (lots of mistakes) but you learn from them. You gain confidence through experience. Dating rules change. You learn; you grow. If you're the type you might even mature a bit. But it is college - so you're gonna want to have fun too. You push boundaries and try things just because you've never tried before. Some are things you've always wanted to do, but couldn't before. Some things you try just to see whether you like it or not. You meet a ton of new people, and discover the true meaning of the word 'busy'. And overall, you're beginning to truly find yourself and begin to discover who you are and who you want to be.
Then, at the end of the year, you're no longer a freshman - you're a sophomore. You've still got sooooo much left to do, but you're mostly familiar with the process by now and you've got a fairly good idea of the direction things are gonna go over the next few years of your life. And the familiarity is comfortable - it's a good place to be.
That's kinda how I feel at the moment. I have learned (sometimes the hard way) a LOT this past year. And while it's all still exciting and amazing - it's starting to get comfortable. The little things that were important before are no longer that big a deal, and my priorities have changed drastically in the past year. I really do feel like I did when I was a sophomore in college. I no longer feel slightly out of place like I did at the beginning - like a high schooler adjusting to college life. I feel pretty secure and know where I belong - and I absolutely love it!
