Sigh...
I've been neglecting my blog. I feel kinda bad about this, but I just don't really have anything really to contribute at the moment. I mean, there's a TON of stuff on my mind, but it just won't flow out of me into the keyboard the way I want it to. But it's been too long since I've written anything, and well....I just feel like typing.
I guess part of the problem is that my life just kinda feels so ordinary right now. People ask me what I've been up to and now my answer is "Oh, just work and stuff", which in reality is a pretty accurate summation of my days. Of course, that's an over simplification. I do fun stuff too. But it's mostly boring and/or private stuff that I just don't need/want to write about. And ya know - it's really kinda nice for a change :)
I mean, it hasn't even been that long, but it's happening more often now that the big events in my life have nothing to do with gender ('cept dating - but that's part of the private stuff). And the more normalcy creeps back into my everyday life, the more I begin to wonder what I really want to do next. And it's really kinda scary that the answer that keeps coming up is "I don't know". Well, not super scary - but scary in a good way. I suppose I could explain that better. I suppose I mean scary as in 'rollercoaster type scary' - where you know you're gonna live and be fine and all, but it still freaks you out anyway. That's more like what I mean.
I do know one thing for sure. Eventually, I want to get the heck out of Dodge. Don't get me wrong - I love the Bay area. There's a lot of wonderful people here, and a lot of great places to go. But I'm so over the incredibly high cost of living! I'm want to move somewhere - anywhere - where I can walk out my front yard and be surrounded by nature (or at least a very quiet rural suburbia). I want to HAVE a front yard to walk out of. I wanna go somewhere where what I earn is closer to the median income then the poverty line. I want to meet new people and do new things and make a brand new life for myself. I want to do stuff on the weekends that doesn't always involve going to one type of venue or the other. It'll be super hard to give up everything that I do love about this place, but it definitely won't be the first time I've ever had to do it.
But as much as I know what I want, I'm still pretty sure that I'm not quite ready yet. There are still too many loose ends to tie up here still. I want to spend a few more years readjusting to my new found freedom, and learning just what it means to be me. I've got so many new friends that I'm just not ready to say goodbye to just yet. I've reached a point now that I'm comfortable. Starting to get a little edgy about picking up and going somewhere - but not enough to do it quite yet. I'm estimating another 2-3 years, and I'll be at the point where I'll be ready to just do it.
As to where I'll go, I don't really know yet. Oddly, I've been looking for places that I've never even visited and have started to get a feel for whether or not I could be happy there one day. It'll either have lots of trees, or it'll have great weather - both would be bonus, but that's a lot to ask for. Either way, I want to be able to see the stars at night. I really miss that. I know I can find that kinda stuff around here (I already have the great weather), but it's not the same. I've lived a lot of different places, so I have a fairly good idea what I'm looking for, but a hard time describing it. I'll know it when I see it.
But yea, that's what's been on my mind mostly lately. I suppose it's inevitable for most of us. To go out - live our lives as if transition were just a dream. To start dreaming of other things again. To start over. I'm looking forward to it.
