A while ago I had a dream about my Dad. It was kinda strange (as dreams tend to be). First I was somewhere tropical and we were playing on the beach, watching the ocean. I think my mom was there and one of my old classmates from high school – though that was pretty vague. I also remember a herd of puppies coming out of the ocean, which was pretty odd. As the tide went out, the ocean eroded the beach, and it went down instead of out like it should have, creating a cliff that terrified me. And then on both sides of us there was ocean. Suddenly it wasn’t scary anymore, cause I had a clear path back to where we were staying. The area was beautiful. We went back to our hotel and hung out a bit, but then realized we had to go back to the beach for some reason. All of a sudden I was riding in the car with my dad – kinda like how we used to. It was a large car – some sort of SUV or truck. And he kept going off the road and through these tiny little passage ways that we shouldn’t have been able to fit through, but we made it through anyway. And we talked. I don’t know what we talked about – it could have been anything. But after a while we stopped and suddenly we were at an apartment complex. It didn’t look anything like anywhere I’ve ever lived, but yet I knew it was my place and that my roommate was inside. My dad and I were walking up the stairs to go in and I was telling him about her – and that’s when I woke up.
But despite the crazy setting, the way I felt, sitting in the car, talking with my dad - it was like how we used to be – there was no problem with the fact that I had transitioned, even though I had already done that in the dream. But it’s like that didn’t matter to him. He just talked to me like he used to. I really miss talking to him. A lot.
On some level, I know it’s not fair. I mean, I’m the one that changed everything between us. I suppose I’m the reason we never talk. And yet, I’m the one that wishes things could be the same way between us. I don’t mean I regret transitioning, because I don’t. But of everything I’ve given up – everything I’ve sacrificed to be here, that is the one thing I miss the most – sitting in the car, talking to my dad.
The dream was bittersweet. It was nice to have my dad feel OK with me again – even if it was a dream. But being only a dream, it had to come to an end, and I woke up. After that it was nothing but a painful reminder that it’s still a part of my life that’s missing. I might never get it back, and I know that. But hey - a girl can dream, can’t she?
