I've recently moved - and my new place is really nothing short of amazing. One of the things that I absolutely love about it is the fact that just around the corner is a walking trail by the creek. It's not the most beautiful creek to be sure, but just gazing out at the sky from under the trees, and being free to wander the trails endlessly is something I've missed sooooo much since moving to the Bay. It's the place I go to when I need to relax, and just think. So I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately (scary, I know).
A lot of my thoughts have revolved around what I really want out of life someday. One of the recent conclusions I finally came to was that I would really like to have kids eventually. When I first got married I tried to picture what the future would be like if we were going to have kids together. I'd imagine how my parents would react to the news, what it would be like during the months of pregnancy, being there for the birth... I know this is going to sound incredibly stereotypical, but it just felt really awkward, like it didn't fit right. Just thinking about it made me uncomfortable. But while I couldn't see myself as a dad, I can completely see myself as a mom. I'm not naive enough to believe that children are always cute and sweet (I've been around enough babies), but I also know that having a child that you love with every fiber of your being makes dealing with all the stress, and sleepless nights, and frustration worth it all in the end. And I would love more then anything the opportunity to be there for that child. To watch them learn and grow. To teach and train them. To share in all the magic they'll experience as part of growing up. To be the person for them that my mother was for me.
The irony is cruel. Back when I couldn't fathom having a child of my own, I was able to. Now that I want one, it will be excruciatingly difficult to have one. I wasn't able to bank any sperm, so having a child that shares my DNA will be next to impossible. Even though I don't care about genetics, having and raising a child with someone is always a difficult endeavor when at least one of the partners in the relationship is unable to have children. Not that it's completely outside the realm of possibility. I could marry into a family, adopt, receive help through a surrogate, etc... It's just a lot more difficult.
I suppose I should focus first on meeting someone crazy enough to fall in love with me, let alone raise a child with me. And I definitely want that to come first, of course. So this is one dream that's being put on hold for a while. But I've already had one dream come true after years of disbelief, so maybe there's hope for it after all.
