Dood!

I went on a date recently with a guy I met online. As we were waiting to go into the theater he got a text from his friends asking him to hang out with them later that night. He commented that he didn't know why they were asking him since he had already told them he was going on a date with me. Then he laughed and told me "They told me you'd prolly be a dude!" He then told me a story of a different girl he dated who had a friend that might have been trans - but he wasn't sure. We had a brief discussion on gender. He's pretty open-minded, but I still decided not to tell him.

It's not the first time the 'dude' comment has come up in conversation with someone. One of my co-workers was mentioning something about prostitutes in SF, and how you had to be careful, cause some of them were dudes. I came out to him two months later. He felt really bad about the comment.

Part of me loves the irony of the whole thing. I can certainly appreciate it. It's validating to know that I pass well enough for them to feel comfortable telling me stuff like that. But the other part of me just hates it. I mean - a trans woman is not a dude. I'm pretty hard to offend, but if someone said to me "OMG! You're a dude!" I'd wanna claw his eyes out. I abhor violence, so that's saying something. I just wish people would think a bit more before they opened their mouths.

Dating Cliche's

Dating can be pretty challenging for most people. For those of us who have transitioned, it's not only difficult, but if you're not careful it can be extremely dangerous as well. It's best to have a plan well ahead of time to try to avoid a scary situation. So a while back I worked up a few guidelines for myself.

1. No random hook-ups or one-night stands with people. It always ends with them wanting more, and if they don't know I'm trans, it could be dangerous. This might change post-op, but for now it's best this way.

2. If I'm looking for something potentially long-term with someone, then I won't get physical with someone until after they know, and they're still OK with it.

3. I won't tell someone until the third date, unless they force my hand.

I'm fine with the first rule. Yea, it kinda sucks, but it also keeps me out of trouble in more ways then one (and if I know it's safe I may make an exception ^_^). Regarding the second one, I think it would be way more difficult to get close physically to someone and then come out, then the other way around. Then there's my own version of the Third Date rule, which I would prolly have regardless of whether I'm trans or not. I want someone to get to know me as a person before physical intimacy comes into the picture.

So I've had these rules for a while, but I also haven't really been dating for a while either. Lately, now that I'm getting back to normal after my jaw surgery that's changing a bit. I've been itching to get out and meet new people again. But despite the guidelines I've set up, I've recently realized it isn't quite so clear cut. What about holding hands? Is that going to be OK without disclosure? Cuddling but no kissing? Am I crossing any lines there? What if they go to kiss me on the first date? Do I just say no, or should I say no and tell them why? It's all very confusing.

I'm totally fine with coming out to someone. I'm pretty proud of the fact that I'm trans, and I've gone through some things most people will never experience, and I believe I'm a better person for it. But coming out to someone your dating is just sooooo cliche from begining to end. I mean it starts out with "We need to talk..." or "There's something I have to tell you...' or some other variation of that. Which is usually preceding a break-up or a confession of cheating or something. But then I get to follow it up with yet another cliche - telling them I'm trans. My biggest problem isn't telling someone I'm dating that I'm trans. It's finding a way to do it that doesn't sound so stereotypical. le sigh... And it's even more difficult with the boys. Mostly because my own empathy gets in the way. I mean - I know I'm not trying to trick anybody. But I also know that that's how they might feel about it when I tell them, because that's how society expects your average heterosexual male in that situation to react. And then I begin to feel responsible that they feel like I've tricked them. I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. It's my nature. There's really not much of a society stereotype for a girl in that situation, so I don't' feel the same pressure. I mean, just being bi or lesbian means she's already worked through most of those issues on her own. Dating a bisexual guy is also pretty similar. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's just not as difficult because I feel like I don't' have as much to fear. But a straight guy - coming out in that situation makes me a nervous wreck just cause I don't' know how they'll react. Stupid society.

Complicating matters further is the fact that I'm totally head over heals in love with the idea of being in love. Yet I don't really know what I want right now in regards to a relationship. I'm finally gotten to the point that I feel if the right person where to come along, I could be happily monogamous, and settle down, start a family, etc... But that would take a VERY special kind of person. When it comes to someone I would be monogamous with I have incredibly high standards. But there are people out there that meet those standards (they're just usually unavailable). I'm also pretty keen on the idea of a more open relationship - I tend to lean more toward polyamory then monogamy. The trick here is finding someone who isn't the jealous type. Not impossible, but still pretty difficult. Mostly though, I'm pretty content being single and enjoying the independence. I'm not actively looking for a relationship, but if the right person where to cross my path, I prolly wouldn't say no - but I would definitely have to think about it for quite some time. So I'm pretty much looking for everything and nothing all at the same time.

They can't break me, as long as I know who I am

So it's been quite some time since I've written a blog. Life just kinda gets busy sometimes, ya know. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. The past few months have been pretty amazing. I might write about that at some point, but that's not really the point of this new blog. See, the last time I wrote it was focused more on the daily grind of transitioning. It was more of a step by step account of my life - "Today I went here, and did this, and met this person, and we did these things together, etc...". It was fun. I had some great experiences and I'm really glad I got to write about them and share them with others. But now things are settling down, at least mentally. I'm no longer have gender on the brain 24/7 like I used to. And it's a nice change - getting back to some semblance of normalcy. Sure the gender stuff is there, and always will be. It's just no longer the dominant thought in my head. Now I think a lot about work stuff and friends and networking. Paying the rent, what I'm going to do tomorrow, what I need to get to decorate my room. Helping people who are going through rough times. How much I need to upgrade my computer. Finding a new house to rent with my awesome roommate. Body piercing. Coffee and cake. Relationships and dating. What I want to do with my life. Love.

I could go on, but you get the general idea. Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble, but the point is that my last blog was very personal in the way it disclosed actual details of my life. This blog isn't really going to have the same feel to it. It'll mostly be just completely random thoughts that pop into my head at any given time. Most of them will prolly be related to being trasgender on some level, but not all. But they will definitly be even more intimate on a different level. I'll be sharing my deepest thoughts, working through and creating my personal philosophies. And the reason it's going to be so personal is because this blog isn't created to benefit you, the reader. It's for me.

See, one of the things I learned the last time around was that writing is an incredibly therapeutic process for me. There's just something about taking an intangible idea and putting it into tangible words that other human beings can connect with that's very satisfying in a way that I find I've been missing lately. So while I do hope you enjoy the writings to follow, I must apologize in advance if they are in no way interesting or helpful to you.

So without further adu, I hereby christen this new blog - Prinnies on Parade!